by Tammy Barclay ADHD Coach | Sep 22, 2023 | Uncategorized
Before I became an ADHD Coach, I was completely lost. I have 6 children and a husband with ADHD, and I didn’t understand them. The skills that came easily to me were difficult for them to accomplish. Before I understood that I thought they were lazy, disobedient, careless, or disrespectful. Once we they were all diagnosed, I read and researched so that I could support all of them more effectively. I needed to start with understanding what ADHD was.
What is ADHD?
ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) is a neurological developmental disorder in which the brain develops more slowly than their peers. There is less connectivity between the neurotransmitters in their brain. This prevents information from traveling through the brain efficiently. It’s easy for them to forget what they are doing because the message didn’t make it all the way through.
Neurodiverse brains are “interest driven”. It’s easy for them to focus of stuff they like and hard to focus on stuff they don’t! They have weak executive functions which are the how to get things done skills in our brain. Things like planning and organizing, managing time, and get started on things are very difficult. They struggle with staying focused until the task is done, controlling their emotions, adapting to change, and more.
Their brains have lower levels of some key chemicals like dopamine, which is part of the reward system in your brain. When neurotypical people finish a task, their brains release dopamine. Dopamine makes them feel good for getting it done. That motivates them to do more things in the future because of that happy sense of accomplishment. ADHD brains don’t get that same dopamine high when they finish things so they often lack motivation.
Of course, there are lots of other intricacies with ADHD but this a basic understanding.
Find out what is getting in their way.
There are plenty of things that get in the way of someone with ADHD. Let’s look at cleaning a bedroom as an example. Possible barriers could be many. Perhaps they aren’t able to break that huge task down into small steps (planning and prioritizing). It could be they do not have a place for all the things to be put away (organization). Since cleaning is not interesting they procrastinate (they are weak in their ability to start a task). Asking questions that help them to identify where they are struggling is an important skill to develop. as a parent of someone with ADHD. Once you can pinpoint some of the issues or missing skills you can develop plans or strategies to experiment with to bring success.
Build skills and strengthen weaknesses.
I help my clients to understand their own brains better. Together we identify their weaknesses and build skills that are missing or weak. Let’s go back to the example above. With a client who may not be able to break a huge job down into small steps we will talk that through together. By listing out each of the steps needed to accomplish the goal we are creating an action plan that can then be followed. This also models that skill for them and we can revisit that skill with future tasks or projects for more practice.
When organization is the issue, we can work on a few different skills. One would be the ability to make decisions about whether to declutter the space and get rid of a few things. Another might be to learn how to categorize items that could be stored together to make finding them an easier task.
Sometimes the job just isn’t interesting at all. If that’s the case we can talk about ways to make the task more interesting and exciting. Maybe they could pump up the music to create some fun and energy or listen to their favourite podcast or audio book. Try turning the job into a game. Set rules for what needs to be finished before you can reward yourself with a fun break activity or a treat. This can be another way to help a bored brain to engage in the task at hand.
The Power of Partnering with an ADHD Coach
Many of the families I work with are longing for solutions to their problems but have found very little success. Just like my early journey, they may not understand enough about ADHD or how it gets in the way. There are so many resources and opinions out there. Finding a place to start can feel completely overwhelming. An ADHD Coach has extensive training to understand the many intricacies of neurodiverse brains. They can help clients discover their own strengths, areas of weakness and paths to success. Coaching helps a family to understand ADHD more fully and how it’s impacting your family more specifically. It’s the deeper understanding of neurodiversity that lays the foundation for this coaching success.
ADHD coaching can take many forms depending on the needs and the budget of your family. Individual coaching can be very effective for many people offering one on one focus and attention. Group coaching provides connection and support from others who are dealing with similar issues and that can be so helpful for people who feel isolated and judged by others. Group coaching can “normalize” ADHD as members of the group realize they’re not alone in their struggles and build friendships and find “their people” in this new community.
If you have questions about how coaching can help your family, get in touch with me and let’s have a conversation.
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Always in your corner…
Tammy
by Tammy Barclay ADHD Coach | Sep 22, 2023 | Uncategorized
Neurodiverse brains are complicated. Their weak executive functions mean that they often struggle to get things done. This can cause a lot of tension and conflict at home and make life frustrating.
Before I understood my husband and my kids and how their brains work, I asked terrible questions and in ways that would often make them feel accused, upset and like they were a failure. I’d send one of the kids to clean their room and come back 2 hours later to find the room still a mess while they read their favourite book nestled in a pile of dirty laundry on their bed. I would be so frustrated! I’d lash out with angry questions like “What do you think you’re doing reading when you haven’t cleaned your room yet?” (Don’t judge me… many of you have done it too ?). And my child would curl up in a ball, look completely defeated and I would feel terrible… but also still upset that the task wasn’t done.
Or I might leave to run some errands and ask my teen (or spouse) to complete several things around the house while I was gone. I come home and find him playing video games and only 2 things on the list are done. Naturally I was upset and would often ask very unhelpful questions like: “Why aren’t you done yet?” or in full pity-party mode I’d lay on the guilt with “Why can’t you help out around here more and get off those stupid video games?” Sound familiar? I can’t be the only one experiencing these scenarios…
Here’s what I’ve learned as a coach that completely changed the game in my house. The first thing I learned was that kids (and spouses) will do well it they can, but their brain wiring gets in their way. I talk more about that in this blog post. The second thing I learned was that when I ask better questions, I get better answers and we have a better chance at solving the problem together.
Here are 3 tips to ask better questions!
- Pause and Get Control of Your Emotions
Your frustration will leak out in your tone of voice and body language. The most important step in asking better questions is to get your emotions under control so that you can respond to the situation rather than react to it. This takes practice and skill. You might need to learn some breathing techniques or recognize your need to walk away for a few minutes to regain your composure. You could also try counting or doing simple math in your head since working with numbers requires our brain to use logic and interrupts the flood of emotions we’re feeling in the moment. (That’s also a helpful tip to pull yourself out of a panic attack).
- Bring your Curiosity to the Conversation
Once you’re calm and in control, get curious about the situation at hand. Ask questions that are open ended to draw out details about their thought process and internal struggle. In my examples above I would ask things like “I see your room isn’t clean yet. What’s getting in your way? Or with the teen or spouse scenario I might start with “Thank you for getting those 2 things done. I notice that not everything was finished though. Can you tell me more about that? By staying calm and asking those types of questions you create an environment where they are more likely to engage in the conversation and not just shut down because they feel like you’re attacking them.
- Have a Non-Judgemental Attitude
Keep an open mind and listen for the reasons behind the actions. The child with the messy room might say “There is so much mess in my room I didn’t know where to start.” (They are overwhelmed and may have trouble planning and prioritizing). Maybe they will say “I just sat down for a quick break! It can’t it’s been 2 hours!” (They may be “time blind” and weren’t aware they had stopped for so long). Your spouse or teen might answer with “I couldn’t remember all the things you asked me to do!” (Maybe they have weak working memory, and a written list is a better tool than a verbal list.)
By making the choice to assume that they would do well if they could it allows me to shift my thinking from being angry and frustrated to curious and compassionate. It prompts me to look for ways to do collaborative problems solving and help my family strengthen their weaker executive functions and build missing skills. As I ask better questions and get more meaningful answers from them, we can identify together what things are getting in the way of their success and we can explore strategies to overcome the challenges.
Here are a few examples of “better questions” that you can try that will open up more positive conversations.
“What’s getting in your way of completing this?”
“Can you tell me more about that?”
“I want to understand your thought process there. Can you share with me what you were thinking?”
“When you (did this) what did you imagine the outcome would be?”
“Would you have tried something different if you had known it would turn out this way?”
“What do you think would make it easier for you to accomplish this?”
“What are your ideas to solve this problem?”
“What plan would you like to put in place to make sure this doesn’t happen again?”
“How can I support you in this?”
Next time there is conflict in your home, give these 3 tips a try and let me know how it goes.
Do you have your own examples of great questions that you use? Share them in the comments so we can all learn from one another.
by Tammy Barclay ADHD Coach | Sep 22, 2023 | Uncategorized
I have a love/hate relationship with September. I love that school starts again and we ease our way back into the routines and rhythms of fall, but with each new school year comes a bit of anxiety for me. With all my children having ADHD I find myself worrying about how their school year is going to go. Will the teacher see my child for who they really are and not just their challenges? Will my child make friends, or will they be picked on for the things that make them unique and amazing but that don’t fit the norms? Over the years I’ve discovered that there is one thing I can do right away in September that sets the stage for a strong and successful year.
Each year (every new semester, actually) with the permission of my kids, I take the time to write an email to all their teachers and any support staff that may be working with them to introduce us and open lines of communication. I start off by bragging about my child and listing many of the wonderful things that I enjoy about them or that they are good at or interested in. I want the teachers to be excited about teaching my child and I want to help them see their strengths and the things that make them fascinating and fun.
Next, I will talk about their diagnosis and the things that get in their way at school. Since each of my children have different presentations of ADHD this is a specific list to identify their unique challenges. This section of my email includes a polite request for any simple accommodations that would be very helpful for the teachers to implement to support them. If that section is a bit wordy, I’ll do a quick bullet point summary of our requests after that. And the last section is all about thanking them for their support and letting them know that I’m always available if they have any questions or concerns.
I have had very positive results from this simple step. Most of the teachers email me back thanking me for the information and letting me know how useful that was. It’s made it much easier throughout the year to check in with them and follow up on missing assignments or other concerns that I have, and I notice that the teachers seem very comfortable approaching me with any of their concerns as well.
Here’s a sample of an email I sent for one of my high school students just this year.
Hello Everyone,
I’m Rebecca’s mom and Rebecca has asked me to reach out to each of you as the semester starts, to open lines of communication and set her up for success. For those who already know her, this is a just a quick reminder of some of the things that are important for you to remember about her throughout the year.
If you’re meeting Rebecca for the first time, I’m sure you will enjoy having her in your class. She is very creative, personable, and kind. She loves nature, creating art, singing, and reading. She is currently enjoying reading the Brandon Sanderson epic fantasy series “The Stormlight Archives” and will talk to you about it for hours if given the chance. She is bright, articulate and has a great sense of humour.
Rebecca also has Inattentive ADHD which often impacts her schoolwork. It can make it difficult for her to focus, be motivated in classes she isn’t interested in and most notably, to stay organized, remember to complete assignments and get them turned in on time. We are working on building skills and creating systems that will help her to stay on track but there are few things that you could do that would really help Rebecca to be successful.
Rebecca has a very difficult time remembering instructions that are given verbally – especially many steps at a time. Whenever possible, it’s far better if the instructions for an assignment to be written down with clear expectations, deadlines, and parameters and, preferably, included on Google classroom in case the paper copy (if there is one) goes missing. Frequent reminders about upcoming deadlines, tests or quizzes would be appreciated and if they could also be emailed to Rebecca and cc’d to me that would be a tremendous help as we work on tracking assignments, and time management for planning homework and study time. Having a quiet place with minimal distractions and extra time on tests would also be a welcomed support.
On days where focus is a struggle it would also be much appreciated if accommodations could be given whenever possible to allow for things like frequent breaks, a different (less distracting) place to work (could be within the classroom or somewhere else in the school as available and appropriate), or for Rebecca to be able to request something in the moment if a need arises (headphones for minimizing distractions, fidgets to increase her ability to pay attention come to mind as possibilities).
We recognize it is not always possible to provide every accommodation when requested, but we would appreciate it so much if the attitude and the default position is to say yes as often as possible when Rebecca identifies that she’s having difficulty focusing and is advocating for herself.
Quick summary:
- Written instructions are preferred and hopefully added in Google Classroom
- Frequent reminders of upcoming due dates, quizzes, and tests – preferably emailed and cc’d to me.
- Access to accommodations on days when Rebecca struggles to focus.
- A quiet space and extra time to write tests whenever possible
If you have any questions about ADHD in general or about how it impacts her specifically, I would be happy to talk more with you. I am an ADHD coach and have 6 children with various presentations of ADHD. I have a lot of lived experience with the wide variety of impacts it can have on students and I am always happy to offer support wherever I can.
Looking forward to getting to know you more in the coming months. Thank you for all you do as an educator and for working with us this year to ensure Rebecca’s success. You are deeply appreciated!
Warmly,
Tammy Barclay
I hope this information is helpful. If you have any questions about this leave them in the comments below and if you try this for yourself let me know how it went. Wishing you a wonderful school year with your kids!
